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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas"

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A Woman is in a Jewellers shop admiring a big Diamond ring.

As she leans down for a closer look a little "fart" slips out.

Hoping no one has noticed she asks "How much is that one?"

The Jeweller answers "Madam, if you "farted" looking at it you'll "shit" yourself when I tell you the price"

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Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."


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I was telling a girl in the Pub about my uncanny ablility to what day a woman was born just by feeling their Breasts.

"Really?" she said "Go on then..try"

After about 30 minutes of "fondling" she began to lose patience

"Come on" she demanded "What day was I born?"

"Fuckin Yesterday" I replied :spiteful:

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Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new Taser!

They say that sex is the best form of exercise . Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though- She's crap at pool.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream & put a cherry on my head. Yeah life was tough in the gateau.


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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak,an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, aLebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Lichensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

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I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to Sex,

As I stripped off I said "You must have seen a few Cocks where you work, how do you rate mine?"

She said "Its slightly bigger than average"

I replied "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do anyway?"

She said "Im a midwife"

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Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability!" :happy0148:

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The top 8 things girls should say to men;

1: Im bored, lets shave my Sntch

2: Are you sure you've had plenty to Drink?

3: By..that fart was awesome, drop another!

4: Of course I swallow, its lush!

5: No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after Ive finished the dishes

6: Just for a change stick it up my arse

7: Are you still shagging that girl at work?

8: Marriage? No fucking way

Sadly, Carlsberg dont do these Girlfriends but Thailand does! :happy0065:

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  • 2 months later...


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5: Sex with a Fat Bird..More Than

6: Sex with a Posh Bird.. Privileged

7: Sex in a Car..Sheila's Wheels

8: Sex with a Tranny.. Confused.com

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  • 1 year later...

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