SiamSam Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 During the second world war when Germany invaded Poland, German soldiers killed Poles indiscriminately. One day a German soldier cornered a Polish man, put a revolver to his head and just before he pulled the trigger a voice thundered from the sky above saying: "Do do kill this man. He will become Pope someday". The German soldier thought for a few moments, lowered his gun, looked up to the sky and said: "Ok, I will not kill him but can I be Pope after him?" Quote Link to comment
SiamSam Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 It's a cold, damp, grey miserable week here in Maple Leaf country. After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says: W T F !!! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr :angry: Quote Link to comment
DownLoLarry Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Today's word is.................. Fluctuations I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke. I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . .. . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" :lolu: Quote Link to comment
KenW Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 A large falang has just received the worst of all possible news: a blood test following a condom free encounter in a bar reveals he is now HIV positive. That evening he storms into the bar, sees the 32 kg girl he fucked sans condom at the rear, goes straight over to her, screams at her: You fucking filthy bitch, you just gave me HIV. The bar turns its collective heads agog. All ears. No I didn't, she whimpers. He reaches out and grabs her by the throat, lifts her off the floor and holds her against the wall. You fucking bitch you fucking gave it to me, he screams. No I didn't she gasps through a constricted throat. Then gasps again: You paid for it. Quote Link to comment
SiamSam Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman:   Hi, Wanda! 2nd woman:  Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die? 1st woman:   I froze to death. 2nd woman:  How horrible! 1st woman:   It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman:   So, what happened? 2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.. Quote Link to comment
KenW Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Mick's done his back at work, and is confined to a wheel chair at home. His mate Paddy comes around to visit. In the parlour Mick says "Paddy, before you settle will ya do us a favour? Go up to me bedroom and bring me pair of carpet slippers down. Me feets are cold." Paddy goes upstairs. Across the hall from Mick's bedroom, door open, Mick's two lovely looking daughters, 14 and 12, are lounging on a bed. Paddy goes to the door and says "Ya da reckons it's high time for you girls to turn in your virginity. He's asked me to fook wit you both." "O Tosh," says the 14 year old, "our da would never say such a ting." Paddy turns and yells down the stair well: "Mick, did ya say both of um?" Mick's reply thunders back up: "Course I said both of um, what's the use uv fookin one?" Quote Link to comment
kelly2 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 A stranger walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him menacingly. "Where are you from? You sound English" asks one of the locals. "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?" "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?" "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us!" 1 Quote Link to comment
SiamSam Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. Woman yells out window, PIG! Man yells out window, BITCH! Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Â Thought For the Day: Sometimes we should listen to the bitches! Quote Link to comment
kelly2 Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. Quote Link to comment
KenW Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Winston S. Churchill was at a state banquet, running off at the foul mouth as was his wont. A plum in mouth dowager half way down the table suddenly exclaimed: "Mr Churchill, I do believe you're drunk!" "That's correct madam" replied the ex-PM, "and you're ugly. But in the morning I'll be sober, while you'll still be ugly." Quote Link to comment
katana57 Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 How De Niro kept a straight face,I don't know! 1 Quote Link to comment
deepthroat Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. Quote Link to comment
deepthroat Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 A catholic priest, a child molester, and a rapist walk into a bar. And that was just the first guy. Quote Link to comment
pdogg Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Great delivery by DeNiro! Here's some Osama Bin Laden jokes: "The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It's a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head." –Jay Leno"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson "The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates." –Conan O'Brien "What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart "He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot." –Jon Stewart "Osama bin Laden, as we speak, is living with Spongebob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel "He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot In The Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel "Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon "President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien “By the way, 'buried at sea'? means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."? –Jimmy Kimmel "And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever." –Jimmy Kimmel "Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert "I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson "President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon "It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno "Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno "Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon "Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien "Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien "Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson "Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass." –Craig Ferguson "President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson "Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer." –David Letterman "I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week." –Jimmy Kimmel "Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon Quote Link to comment
pdogg Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 And some cartoons from a few years ago for Lung. Quote Link to comment
Hefe Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 A child molester & a boy walking into the woods one night. "You're scared? Hey I'm the one who has to walk home alone later!" Quote Link to comment
katana57 Posted May 15, 2011 Share Posted May 15, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdNqUW5wwTE&feature=related and strap yourself in for this one!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gB553EVxfDc Quote Link to comment
deepthroat Posted May 15, 2011 Share Posted May 15, 2011 A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride to town and pick up women..." Quote Link to comment
KenW Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 OK, for all you Aussie baiters out there, here's some ammo (2 posts). (Aren't I a generous lad?) Q: Why do Aussie men cum so quick? A: Because they have to rush down the pub and tell all their mates. Quote Link to comment
KenW Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 And secondly, a true story (I kid you not) told by a New Zealand Prime Minister about a decade ago. Asked about the large and continuing NZ migration to Australia, he acknowledged it was a modern historical fact, then added that it had one distinct advantage: It raised the average IQ of both countries. Quote Link to comment
KenW Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32..62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32..62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' Quote Link to comment
katana57 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 A Mexican, an Arab, and a Yorkshire Lass are drinking in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Yorkshire Lass, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Yorkshire, we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' God Bless Yorkshire !! Quote Link to comment
KenW Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 A woman goes to a medico, beaten black and blue. The medico asks: "What happened?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." The physician says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the clinic looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?" The medico says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick" Quote Link to comment
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