Interesting Expressions

[deepthroat]

I love it when people use interesting expressions in their conversations.

One of the guys I work with is a classic in this regard, he's always throwing in little gems that I've never heard before. The one in the Topic Description is a perfect example: "I was so confused I didn't know whether to shit or wind my wristwatch". He was also the first guy I heard use the expression "Even a stopped clock is right twice a day".

I remember my Dad used to use a bunch of oddball ones - "you're as funny as a rubber crutch" and "things went to hell in a handbasket" are a few I still remember.

Anyone else got any unique ones? I bet you Aussie's have a shitload of them.

[KenW]

Anyone else got any unique ones? I bet you Aussie's have a shitload of them.

Two of my old man's most commonly used ones:

Give your arse a chance.

(This would usually be prefaced by him admonishing my mother about talking too much or always having her gob open)

From arsehole to breakfast time.

(This was a measure of distance or time elapsed, ironically meant to mean it was a long way or a long time, but of course the play was on the fact that from arsehole to breakfast time was a mere inch or so by nose or tongue. My mother hated it vehemently when he'd use that in company)

Other really common and quite ordinary Aussie ones include:

(he's as) silly as a two bob watch

(he's a) brick short of a load

the lights are on but nobody's home

(he's as) thick as a brick

(she's as) thick as two short planks

from here to Timbucktoo

(he) couldn't organize a fuck in a brothel with a fistful of fivers

(she) wouldn't work in an iron lung

(he's so silly) he'd buy the Sydney Harbour Bridge

he went at it like a bull at a gate

it's like showing a red rag to a bull

as pissed as a fart

as pissed as a newt

as drunk as a skunk

it's got as much chance as an ice cube in Hell

you can bet London to a brick on

it's Sydney or the bush

i know SFA about that (SFA = Sweet Fuck All)

[bumblebee]

Someone has a mouth like a torn pocket=a bit off centre mouth

An arse like a clown's mouth / blood orange= sore, raw ass from diarrhea

She has a pussy like a wizard's sleeve =well used

[KenW]

I thought of some more dt.

Put a beggar on horseback he'll flog it to death.

(a favourite of my mother's)

and

(he's/it's) all over the place like a mad woman's poo

(the second is probably politically incorrect these days)

2 new ones from the last 2 decades or so:

he's all tip and no iceberg

(this criticism/punishment) is like being flogged with a wet lettuce

[bumblebee]

She is so ugly even the tide wouldn't take her out.

He is so mean he wouldn't spend Christmas.

He has a face like a mixed grill.

[katana57]

I'd drink her bathwater

Looks like someone's been chopping wood on her face.

She's got a face like a welders' bench.

You've pissed it all up against the wall.

(when I said I was broke)

[deepthroat]

I wouldn't cross the road to piss on his head if his hair were on fire (means you wouldn't life a finger to help the asshole)

[Lefty]

I've used the first one you mentioned DT, with a little addition to the end.

I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. Guess I'll just shit on my watch.

[Luung]

Hopefully some of these can be referenced for FM's who don't quite understand some my posts?

'You can't polish a turd'!.. ie. For when asked to do the near impossible by the visually impaired client or friend.

'Hung like a cat'!... For use on Thais & other Asians.

'About as useful as a chocolate frog'!.. ie. When it ain't.

'He/she ain't big enough to whistle up a cat's arse'!.. To be used on midgets & Thais.

'That's like giving a loaded gun to a monkey'!.. To my son when he used takes charge of the TV remote & other to other incompetents.

'It was kick, bollock & bite'!... A real scrap!

'Mad as a Mongoose'!.. Balloon, bunch of bananas, blamange... Usually referencing a 'her'.

'My kids are a bigger problem than you'!.. ie. To an antagonist.

'She's got a face like a smacked arse'!... Bag of spanners, bulldog chewing a wasp... Her again.

'Bottle Opener face'!.. Same as above.

'Got a monk on'!... Sulking.

'More mouth than a cow's got cunt'! ...For mouthy folk.

'Got shed loads'!.. ie. Money, wealth, things.

'Spunked it up the wall'!... ie. Your money.

'Aresholed'... ie.Drunk.

'Swede gnoring gits'! ...Country folk.

'Ridge, Hoccaroons (coon), Spooks, Niggies, Jingos'! ...Ethnic, black African descent.

'If That nose was full of Guinness we could all get drunk right now'! or 'Have you been stealing bananas'!... For 'her', yet again.

'He's so tight he wakes up in the middle of the night to see if he's lost any sleep'! ... For stingies

'He/she deserves to be hit around the head with a stocking full of hot dogshit'! or handcuffed to a goat & stuffed with hot dogshit'!. For those who deserve it.

'Drunk as a cunt'!.. Drunk.

'Sittank'Pisstank'!... Aging drunk.

'Talking pure, utter Dolfin'! ... Incoherent drunk.

'Piss stain', Nonsense!.. Person of no consequence.

'Bicycle face'... For the visually impaired.

'Sarger Louts'... Aging reprobates, 'Sarga Holidays', UK company organizing travel/holidays for the over W's & bed wetters.

'Better than a kick up the spuds'! ... It could have been worse.

'Bed wetter', Old stinker, Shit Stains, Squirter's, Old rats... Older women looking for sex.

'Second hand clubs, Crusty Clubs'! ... Divorced & separates clubs/Singles bars.

'I'd use her shit for toothpaste'!.. Reserved for thee likes of 'Nok', 'Big Oil', Doris Day & other LB's/females who I hold in serious high regard!

'A sandwich short of a picnic' a few bricks off a full load, a Penney short of a bus fair'!

'He/she ain't the full shilling'!.. Not quite with it, slightly mad.

Not the sharpest tool in the box'!... Me.

'Bent as a butchers hook or a 9 bob note'!... you lot!

'From areshole to breakfast time' was one of my old man's too Ken!

From my dad to my mum, "You shouldn't keep talking so much, you'll wear your back teeth down"!... Or the best one, straight off the cuff, "I hope you can smile now I've paid for your teeth to be done, because I certainly fuckin' won't be"!

Wank you very crutch & all the breast... Mind how you com!

[Luung]

'It smelt worse than a Bombay shithouse'! ... Should be obvious.

'Buried 'nut deep' or buried up to the 'back wheel hubs'! ... Self explanatory.

'It's a Bitza'! ... For mixed breed dogs & other species including bipeds & motorized vehicles.

'A Bowlex'! ... A snide/fake watch.

'Piss n' biscuits'! ... the old persons alternative to 'Muck n' bullets'.

'A bacon sandwich'! ... Descriptive term for what a cunt with large piss flaps looks like.

'Tits like phlegm on a wall' ... What a Thai girls tit's look like.. ie. Under endowed.

'Maybe I should light that, I'm nearer'! ... What you say when you're lighting a long nosed person's cigarette.

'The racing pigeon'! .. Big bollocks, small cock.

'Bashed the Grannie out of it'! ... Smashed the fuck out of something.

'Got plenty of areshole, bottle'! ... Courage, you can work that one out.

'Bingo wings'! ... What many aging women who expose to much of their upper torsos have.

'Got the breaking strain of a cold rice pudding'! ... The weak willed.

[KenW]

as ugly as a hatful of arseholes

(this is a straight snarl - not one for lovers of our type who think arseholes adorable)

and

forget me head if it wasn't screwed on

[Lefty]

Years ago when I was working as a logger, my boss would use the saying "you're slower than poor relation".

[katana57]

Billy Connolly's famous line:-

"They made me about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit"

[Hefe]

I like when 2 expressions get combined to form a borderline nonsensical phrase.

If he was alive today he would be turning over in his grave.

Sometimes you have to grab the bull by the tail & look things in the eye.

Also here in the States there's an old ballplayer, Yogi Berra, who is probably more famous now for his verbal malapropisms that actually make a sort of sense, like a zen koan, so they are always quoted:

The future ain't what it used to be.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.

His most famous: It's like deja vue all over again.

[Hefe]

More from the great quotable Yogi:

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

It ain't over till it's over.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

I never said most of the things I said.

Amazing!

[Lefty]

Good ones Hefe. Love or hate the Yankees, any true baseball fan had to love Yogi.

Another one I recall attributed to him. "Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical."

[Hefe]

Yeah... Yogi is one of a kind, no doubt about it.

[deepthroat]

)

Cunt like a clowns pocket

standing round like a spare prick at a fucking

Wigger ( white man with rasta locks)

WOW, those are fantastic!

[Lefty]

Another baseball great who was very quotable was Dizzy Dean, though not quite on Yogi's level.

"Let the teachers teach English and I will teach baseball. There is a lot of people in the United States who say 'isn't' and they ain't eating."

"I ain't what I used to be, but who the hell is?"

"Son, what kind of pitch would you like to miss?"

""Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat."

"The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing."

"The dumber a pitcher is, the better. When he gets smart and tries to experiment with a lot of different pitches, he's in trouble. All I ever had was a fastball, a curve and a change up and I did pretty good."

"The good Lord was good to me. He gave me a strong body, a good right arm and a weak mind."

"He slud into third."

"Well what's wrong with ain't? And as for saying 'Rizzuto slud into second' it just ain't natural. Sounds silly to me. Slud is something more than slid. It means sliding with great effort."

"It puzzles me how they know what corners are good for filling stations. Just how did they know gas and oil was under there?"

"He (Branch Rickey) must think I went to the Massachesetts Constitution of Technology."

"I can't tell you why there's a delay, but stick your head out of the window and you'll know why."

"If Satch (Paige) and I were pitching on the same team, we would clinch the pennant by July fourth and go fishing until World Series time."

"I know who's the best pitcher I ever see and it's old Satchel Paige, that big lanky colored boy. My fastball looks like a change of pace alongside that little pistol bullet ole Satchel (Paige) shoots up to the plate."

[Lefty]

Yeah... Yogi is one of a kind, no doubt about it.

Some more Yogi's;

Yogi Berra, on a White House dinner he attended:

It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there were so many people talking.

We made to many wrong mistakes.

We have deep depth.

[Lefty]

Here is a great quote by Ed Lynch who used to pitch for the Mets and Cubs in the 1980s and now scouts for the Blue Jays...You have to be a real baseball fan to understand most of it.

The bases were drunk, and I painted the black with my best yakker. But blue squeezed me, and I went full. I came back with my heater, but the stick flares one the other way and chalk flies for two bases. Three earnies! Next thing I know, skipper hooks me and I'm sipping suds with the clubby.

[DownLoLarry]

""Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat."

The breakfast of champions!