Alert Levels Raised

[deepthroat]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or

even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the

blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been

re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the

British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when

threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they

have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300

years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the

country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"

to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat

they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy

can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to

"She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",

"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is

cancelled."

[duke007]

"The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

the Bastards"

How True

[Rickshaw]

"The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's getthe Bastards" How True

At the same time, they have changed their self image to "we are all victims and nobody likes us".

Well, the second part is true, anyway (and I speak as a mongrel mix* of half Scots and half English).

* Or as I call it, hybrid vigour.

[Rickshaw]

And the US threat levels? Could they be:

"We have given the world democracy where large numbers of people can vote for governments which then allow them to work for large American corportations at very low wages. They may not like us very much for reasons that we do not understand so we have to be careful" rising to

"No Americans are foreigners. Therefore all foreigners are bad, so regardless of where they come from, we will make them stand in line for 5 hours at immigration, fill in a green form where they declare that they are not now, nor ever have been, members of the Nazi party and do not suffer from moral turpitude, then get a fat immigration official to tell them to their faces that the US government thinks they are lying. This will prevent them from committing terrorist outrages in our peace loving nation which commits an average of 14000 murders a year" which then escalates to

"No Americans are foreigners. Therefore we can kill foreigners with impunity regardless if they come from a nation which is a cauldron of seething anti-american sentiment or our closest ally. And if they complain, why, that merely confirms our suspicion that they are anti-american..."

Just joking - but DT did open up a thread on national stereotypes. Glass houses and all that. Not that I would throw a stone at DT's glass house - the US government would proably brand me a terrorist And I do not fancy a holiday in a small enclave in Cuba!

[deepthroat]

Not that I would throw a stone at DT's glass house - the US government would proably brand me a terrorist And I do not fancy a holiday in a small enclave in Cuba!

Yes, we do have a special cell in Guantanamo reserved for infidels such as yourself.

[KenW]

For Australia you forgot another level: Head for the beach.

And New Zealand, a country with only one level: Head for Australia.

Vietnam has had its level unchanged for 30 years: How many Chinese* did we kill last time?

* interchangeable with Khmer Rouge/Americans/French/Aussies/Kiwis/Koreans...