User Guide: Household Items As Dildos

[Pdoggg]

Banana:

This fruit may be the “looks like a dick” standard, but it gets soft like one too. And even with a condom on it, you don’t want that mush falling apart in your vag. For a moment, though, I fully believed the curved top would stimulate my G-spot. Then I remembered that I don’t know where that is.

Did I come? No.

Parsnip:

I’m not gonna lie: This is just what I had in the fridge. It’s like a white carrot, OK? I think it goes in soup? The parsnip definitely beats the banana because it did not fall apart inside the condom. I had trouble deciding which end to enter myself with, and ultimately decided on the pointy end. This was a poor decision.

Did I come? No.

Flashlight:

Boys sometimes masturbate with fleshlights, so I thought it was only natural that I try the male counterpart: the flashlight. It felt…not good. I also got distracted using the flashlight for its intended purpose: to shine a light on my nether regions. I wasted a good 20 minutes sitting spread-eagle with a mirror and a flashlight. Although this is not technically masturbation, it was important, and I recommend everyone try it.

Did I come? Not even close.

 

Beer Bottle:

This was the best object yet in terms of feel and sizing for insertion. After talking to a doctor about potential issues in creating suction, though, I got nervous. I tried creating suction around my clit, which felt nice, but not nice enough to get the deed done, if you know what I’m saying.

Did I come? Naw.

Electric Toothbrush

Now we are talking. I personally do not use non-vibrating dildos to masturbate, so everything prior to the electronic toothbrush was mere child’s play. I don’t understand people who can masturbate by shoving objects inside themselves. If this works for you, please let me and the world know how in the comments.

Did I come? No, but I think given a two-hour window, I could.

iPhone:

The nice thing about the vibration function of the phone is that you can design your own vibration. For me, that’s a constant vibration. I set it up and then scheduled an alarm every minute for 15 minutes. It worked! Unfortunately, phones are not really designed for clitoral stimulation (please fix that for iPhone 7, Apple).

Did I come? No, but maybe I haven’t found my perfect pattern.

Wii Remote:

I attempted to use the Wii remote to masturbate during a game of Super Smash. Not only was the vibration power weak, but I kept losing, which made me angry. I did play with Captain Falcon, so if you are into cartoon characters with super erect nipples, that’s an added bonus to this method. Also, it looks like PlayStation’s DualShock control has a more powerful vibration, so if you’re between Nintendo, Xbox, and PlayStation, maybe that’s your deciding factor.

Did I come? No.

Immersion Blender:

REMOVE THE BLADES! This device, which I deduced is used for cooking or something because I found it in a kitchen cabinet, had by far had the best vibration. Cons: You have to plug it in (what is this, the 1950s?), and it’s large and unwieldy. I would have given this 4 stars, but was forced to bump it down to 3 due to safety concerns.

Did I come? ;)

https://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahburton/is-it-a-dildo-or-a-dildont