Bangkok Raw-Chapter One-Waking Up

Cheyenne · April 21, 2012

Bangkok Raw

All alone at the end of the evening as the bright light are fading to blue

I was thinking about a woman who loved me and I never knew

You know I’ve always been a dreamer, spent my life running around and it’s so hard to change, can’t seem to settle down.

But the dreams I’ve seen lately, keep on turning out and burning out and turning out the same (The Eagles, Take it to the Limit, 1975)

1.Waking up

She is dancing out there on the edge of your waking mind, defying reason, logic and good sense.

Young, naïve, beautiful and possessing of a kind of happy, untutored wisdom and warmth you crave more with every day that she is gone.

Annie, where are you and why did I ever let you go?

You wake up and roll onto your back, a little bit wiser than in the days that have gone before. The room spins past your eyes just like the last months in Bangkok; recognisable as days but lacking any real definition; a hazy semblance of time passing and ladyboys passing through. You wipe the wetness from your eyes and feel a curved, smooth shaft pressing into your side. So smooth it feels like brown ivory. She mumbles; ‘Tahan’, in her bleary slumber.

The radio is still playing from last night’s whisky a go-go in your loom but in the light of day the music is more portentous than it has any right to be.

The cold blast of the air conditioner that you have never got around to adjusting begins to wake you up. It’s fucking unpleasant.

You do not even have the distraction of May’s stiffness to occupy your tumbling mind; she won’t be awake for hours yet. It is only 11am and she lives in a different time zone from us working stiffs.

So put me on a highway, show me a sign

And take it to the limit one more time

The music fades as you remember . . .

Five weeks earlier:

‘When we go into the apartment lobby, if I tell you, go to the toilet and wait until I call you to come out Annie, ok?’

‘Ok, I go, but not need peepee’.

‘It not matter, ok, just waiting me there baby’.

Earlier that day you had toured the condos in the vicinity looking for a suitable swimming hole/party venue. Your apartment does not have a pool so you have to visit friends of which you have precious few or con your way into a hotel or condominium. Q house presented the best opportunity and you had crossed the Thai security guards palm with silver. Now she love you long time sure. Farangs are rarely challenged.

She throws up a little salute as you enter the lobby with Annie trotting along beside you; faithful, adorable little Annie.

What a cheap cunt you are.

‘Bring your swimming clothes, I take you to pool party’, you told Annie this morning. Excited she arrived looking delicious and ready to fuck and be fucked by you, the guy she wants to be her boyfriend.

The inner door to the elevators is closed and of course you don’t have a key card but anticipating this you push Annie towards the toilet and wait. You smile too many times at the receptionists and pace, waiting for a real resident to open the door that you then hold open, call Annie and enter.

The pool is on the top floor and you swim luxuriously in the Bangkok heat and ignore Annie studiously.

What a fucking idiot you were.

She comes and sits by you, follows you around the pool adoringly, smiles and laughs hysterically, as do you, when a little Thai boy cannot stop laughing out loud at his cartoon book.

This beautiful, special day that you failed to recognise as such could have been the start of something wonderful.

You felt something more for her than lust on that day and that is why you were so cool with her. Sad, sad fool.

Twisted up with the lies and the double, trouble Ladyboy drama you have lived with for so long . . .you recognised that the feeling of sabai-jai you have when you are with her could grow into something that can hurt you as well as make you feel good. So you hid from her.

What a fucking disappointment you were.

In all your lustful fuckings, you never took her anywhere. You never made her feel special or gave her more than a 100baht note for her taxi home. What a mistake you made. You never told her you loved her and now she’s gone to Pattaya to find a better boyfriend.

Annie’s family all worked in construction. They lived together, uncles, brothers, sisters down soi 27 Punnawithi on a building site. When the Thais work on a new apartment building they construct a kind of tin city and live inside it for the duration of the job. The first time she asked me to go and meet her family it was raining hard. She stepped daintily across the muddy ruts and puddles outside the giant shack she was calling home. Inside I sat on her bed: a plywood board wedged between two upright timbers and the side of the corrugated tin wall. Everyone else slept on the hard floor.

We sat with the men, girls and babies and played ‘HI-LO’, a kind of Thai roulette but with dice not a wheel. Big money was won and lost, whisky was shared . . . and that sense of ‘live today, don’t think too much something will turn up tomorrow’, was as palpable, as breathable as the cigarette smoke that filled the room. I took her home. I wish I had kept her there but I let her go back to that place the next day; and the next, and next until I stopped calling her and she gave up on me.

A scorpion is waiting by the side of a fast river trying to convince someone to carry him across. He begs the rat, the duck, the turtle but they all say the same thing, ' Ha Ha If I let you climb on my back you'll sting me and I will drown and die!' Finally a little frog comes by and after first saying the same thing as the others to the scorpion, in desperation the scorpion says, ' Look, be logical; if I sting you, you'll die and drown, but so will I because I can't swim!" Unable to fault the logic of the scorpion's argument, the frog agrees and allows the scorpion onto his back.

Halfway across the river, at the deepest point, the frog feels the sting of the scorpion's tail and as he sinks beneath the waves in his death throes he asks the scorpion why he killed them both. The scorpion, drowning himself said, ' It's my nature'.

You met a few weeks ago, at the end of July. It was a Facebook assignation.

You immediately set about fucking up any chance of happiness you may have with this girl

In her friend’s room at Phra Kanong, Annie kept her clothes in a shopping bag. You thought nothing of it then only seeing her eyes and her smile.

She invited you there one Sunday afternoon.

Riding down Suk 44, Ekkamai on the moto your stomach is contracting into a knot, ‘maybe this girl, maybe?’ She comes downstairs and watches you climb from the pillion. The knot tightens; she is beautiful. She is wearing a little, red T-shirt and denim shorts. Her long hair is curling a little in bangs that fall to her shoulder. She is very beautiful. You smile.

As you followed her up the apartment stairs she said, ‘My friend stay here is ok?’ It was OK. Anything she said was OK.

Her friend was sitting in between two mattresses on the floor watching gay porn on her Iphone. You stopped like hitting a wall. Her friend was Ice of Guess Bar, perhaps the only Ladyboy in Bangkok you truly dislike. She is a miserable cunt who’s meanness is barely concealed by the Yim me lessanai (the smile that masks wicked thoughts). Like King Richard the Third, this ladyboy could smile while murdering babies.

Annie stretched her lean body out on the bed opposite you and made small talk in Ladyboyenglish, a nod, a smile a word or two.

‘You look good Anne’, you say, sitting on the highest of the beds. ‘Yingwa’, sneers Ice. (This word means ‘more than’ in Thai, ladyboys use this to compliment each other, meaning ‘you are more beautiful than a real woman’. Most Thais won’t understand this phrase. Use it carefully lest somebody think you know too mush)

‘You horny’ says the hideous Ice sitting between you like a goblin. ‘I horny too, but everyone must pay’.

The idea of a threesome that had been running through your dirty mind (despite your dislike of Ice) stops in its tracks.

Then the goblin says to Annie, ‘You horny, can boom-boom, I not shy’.

Annie sits by your side and touches your leg. You hear cracked wedding bells and suddenly see her dressed in white. Shaking that out of your mind you are about to leave when your future wife says, ‘ you want go shower?’

Two minutes and a single heartbeat later you are watching Annie take off her bra.

She has the most beautiful breasts it is possible to purchase and the best looking cock that ever hung from a Ladyboys hips. In fact her cock alone could win Miss Tiffany if it ever became unattached from Annie. Just now it is taking a shower with you. A hymn from your schooldays plays through your mind; ‘All things bright and beautiful, the Lord God made them all’.

One hour later and you are sweating and sated in the steam filled room and Annie has collapsed on the tile floor. You have fucked like 20 yr olds. Your body is telling you that it will punish you for the vanity. Every orifice in both your bodies has been violated and you remember being upside down at some stage of the violation possibly with your head in the toilet bowl but that part is a bit hazy. You make plans to meet again and say farewell to the goblin. Washing was never so strenuous or sexy, at least not when you were a kid. As you climb on the back of a moto, your legs are shaking. ‘Home James’, you think with a smile.

The days pass and you have been with her, to the mall, the movies, the bedroom and every minute is spent smiling and laughing.

You have spent so little money on her but she tells you. ‘It ok, I have money before but no happy, I only need little to take care.’ Doubting her words you talk to her friend, ‘ some people not care too mush about money only want someone love them’.

She is like soul food for a jaded heart. She happily teaches you Thai phrases and laughs at your attempts to reproduce the tones correctly; ‘narak’, she says, thinking your foolishness cute.

You tell her she is too young to be your girlfriend that this is only fun for a short time that she is free to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. You see that twist like a knife in her guts but she says nothing, except, ‘you think easy find someone take care my heart?’

She teaches you to enjoy her fucking you. With her it feels good, complete and fair. Holding her glossy hair back from her face as she slides that beautiful cock into you is an experience that you want more and more. ‘I cum’ she says in a voice you will never forget and you feel her pleasure, her ecstasy build and explode. But you are too lost in the past to see the shining, bright present unfold before your eyes. You don’t understand why you call her less and less.