Jokes Thread

[Hefe]

I think he should replace Henny Youngman (the King of the One liners to you non-yanks):

 

 "My wife said this year for vacation she'd like to go somewhere she's never been before, I said 'How about the kitchen?"    (Badda boom!)

[cobber32]

Locked in my home to keep out the water from Songkran for the next 3 days, I'm enjoying all these jokes, and I hope more will follow. 

 

Man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber.

[globetrotter]

Man going thru airport turnstile sideways alway going to Bangkok

[bumblebee]

Man going thru airport turnstile sideways always going to Bangkok

Hehe I had to think about that one for a moment.

[SiamSam]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.  

Example:

The trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.   

 

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[cobber32]

Sam, these are just brilliant.  At first I thought you'd put it all on the wrong thread, so the joke was literally on me.

[duke007]

A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible", The Doctor examines him and the says "You need to shit in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage, put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful what was wrong with me?".. the Doctor replied "You were homesick"

[pacman]

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

[pacman]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[pacman]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[pacman]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat. 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 

"No .. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[pacman]

Finbar, (an Irishman), an Englishman and a Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Finbar said, "Potato and cabbage! If I get potato and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day Finbar opens his lunch box, sees potato and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

The Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

The Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Willow, the Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunch"

[pdogg]

Back on January 9th, a group of Hell's Angels bikers were riding north on I-95 in PA. when they saw a girl about to jump off the Scudder Falls Bridge.  So they stopped.

 

Frank, their leader, a big burly man of 45, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

 

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Frank also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked ...."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole Frank here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss -- followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, Frank gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she actually jumped -- or was pushed...

[SiamSam]

This is quite funny:

 

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x26vv04_wedding-pictures-routine_fun

[Tomcat]

Be careful ...  It could happen to you too!!  

 

 

SAINSBURY CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE!

 

Friday, Oct 6th, 2014    5:00 pm. Sainsbury car park scam. Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!



I had my wallet stolen October 7th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, and three times yesterday.


So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!!

 

[cobber32]

I only clicked onto this thread by accident and I'm still smiling. These last 2 posts (SiamSam and Tomcat) are just brilliant and have lifted my spirits on a dismal Bangkok rainy evening.   Thanks, guys.

[SiamSam]

Happy we could brighten your day cobber32. 

[rxpharm]

This is funny as well, especially for those who are fans of The Hobbit:

 

[JaiDee]

I've always been fond of this one, reading the answer in an Irish brogue makes it funnier 

 

Q: How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A; Ahhh, don't you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit home alone in the dark.

[duke007]

My wife said she would come back home if I gave up my obsession with wanking on the staircase, I said "ok, but can we take it one step at a time?"

[duke007]

Elton John asked for a tattoo on his cock of a Rolls Royce...the tattooist said "you should have a Land Rover, they're better at pulling you out of the shit ", 

[BigTel]

[bumblebee]

Classic BT, but I am sure some relationships are different.

[BigTel]

Classic BT, but I am sure some relationships are different.

 

         Present company excepted  of course    

[bumblebee]

         Present company excepted  of course    

I am sure some of the in laws saw me as a big Dollar sign when I arrived in the village but they were soon disappointed.