Jump to content
duke007

Jokes Thread

Recommended Posts

I havent noticed a Jokes thread on this Forum so I thought I'd start one off with a couple.

"My girlfriends sister "knocked me out" yesterday, I was fuming :angry:

What sort of "sick bitch" puts chloroform on her dirty panties?? :blink:

Share this post


Link to post

My girlfriend has just complained that Im prone to exaggeration, I nearly tripped over my Cock when she said that :hi:

Share this post


Link to post

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas"

Share this post


Link to post

A Woman is in a Jewellers shop admiring a big Diamond ring.

As she leans down for a closer look a little "fart" slips out.

Hoping no one has noticed she asks "How much is that one?"

The Jeweller answers "Madam, if you "farted" looking at it you'll "shit" yourself when I tell you the price"

Share this post


Link to post

Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

:rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post

I was telling a girl in the Pub about my uncanny ablility to what day a woman was born just by feeling their Breasts.

"Really?" she said "Go on then..try"

After about 30 minutes of "fondling" she began to lose patience

"Come on" she demanded "What day was I born?"

"Fuckin Yesterday" I replied :spiteful:

Share this post


Link to post

Couple having Sex in the garden at night.

He says "I wish I had a Torch"

She says "So do I, you've been licking that Slug on the grass for the last 10 minutes"

Share this post


Link to post

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

By the time you are finished with the breast and thigh all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

-Swedeman007

Share this post


Link to post

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new Taser!

They say that sex is the best form of exercise . Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though- She's crap at pool.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream & put a cherry on my head. Yeah life was tough in the gateau.

MM.

Share this post


Link to post

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak,an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, aLebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Lichensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Share this post


Link to post

My girlfriend said shes leaving me because of my Plant obsession

I said "For fucks sake petal, where did all this stem from?"

Share this post


Link to post

I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to Sex,

As I stripped off I said "You must have seen a few Cocks where you work, how do you rate mine?"

She said "Its slightly bigger than average"

I replied "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do anyway?"

She said "Im a midwife"

Share this post


Link to post

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability!" :happy0148:

Share this post


Link to post

The Job interviewer asked "Whats your full nane?"

"Its John Fucking Bastard Twat Fuck Piss Flaps Parker"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's John?"

"No, but the Vicar at my christening did"

Share this post


Link to post

Paddy goes into the Florist and said "I would like to buy a bunch of Flowers for my girlfriend"

The Florist looks at him and said "OK, what exactly are you after?"

Paddy replied " a shag"

Share this post


Link to post

The top 8 things girls should say to men;

1: Im bored, lets shave my Sntch

2: Are you sure you've had plenty to Drink?

3: By..that fart was awesome, drop another!

4: Of course I swallow, its lush!

5: No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after Ive finished the dishes

6: Just for a change stick it up my arse

7: Are you still shagging that girl at work?

8: Marriage? No fucking way

Sadly, Carlsberg dont do these Girlfriends but Thailand does! :happy0065:

Share this post


Link to post

I went to Bangkok for a testicle operation, the Nurse cupped my balls and said

"Dont worry, its normal to get and erection when doing this"

"But" I said "I havent got an erection"

She said "But I have"

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post

I said to my Doctor " Ive badly bruised my Penis in a surfing accident"

He said "Did you fall off your Board?"

I replied " No, I had to slam my Laptop shut rather quickly when the girlfriend walked in"

Share this post


Link to post

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?

Make sure you get the correct Insurance for the type of sex you are having, below you find a list of companies catering for most tastes

1: Sex with Wife..Legal & General

2: Sex on the phone..Direct Line

3: Sex with Partner..Standard Life

4: Sex with someone different..Go Compare

5: Sex with a Fat Bird..More Than

6: Sex with a Posh Bird.. Privileged

7: Sex in a Car..Sheila's Wheels

8: Sex with a Tranny.. Confused.com

Share this post


Link to post

The last joke posted here was July 10th, 2012 by that Manchester funny man Mr. Duke. That's almost two years ago. Even the "Gripes, Rants, and Complaints" thread gets more attention than this one. 

 

Let's get it going again. Come on make me laugh.  :biggrin:

Share this post


Link to post

I will have plenty of jokes shortly on this thread... please say Yes or No in advance to sick ones because we Brit's do have a "sick" sense of humour that maybe our cousins across the pond wont get :huh:

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×